A Red River Halloween Day 4: Halloween

Plate Tectonics (5.10a) ★★★★
Gettin' Lucky In Kentucky (5.10b) ★★★★
5th Bolt Faith (5.10c) ★★★
Tall Cool One (5.9) ★★★
Universal Gravitation (5.10d) ★★★
Moonshine (5.10a) ★★★★
Sunbeam (5.10c) ★★★★

Our ragged band of misfit heroes slowly wake up, not lost--but not quite found--somewhere in the backwoods of Kentucky, preparing to save the world.... or at least climb 5.10.

The Crush-This League at the Bat Cave
Scene I: Breakfast
TONY STARK: Good morning, sunshine!
DICK GRAYSON: And protein-packed pancakes--
GRAYSON: --are ready!
BANNER: Save some for the rest of us, Saitama!
SEVDA: These are lovely, dear. And because they are brown, you can't tell that they're burnt.
GRAYSON: The extra chocolate chips really help too.
SAITAMA: So much better than drinking your protein.
BRUCE BANNER: Especially your vegan protein shakes, Saitama. I don't know how you drink that.
STARK: Or where you get it from. That stuff has got to be illegal.
SAITAMA: Thank god for the internet.
GRAYSON: And thank you all for saving me some.
SEVDA: Of course. You all will need your fuel today.
STARK: Wait--what?
SEVDA: Of course. You will all need your fuel today. I've got to work--it's Tuesday.
GRAYSON: Dear--you must be sick. It's our first sunny day and you want to work?
SAITAMA: Thankfully there's an easy cure for cabin fever.
GRAYSON: Protein packed-chocolate pancakes?
BANNER: Hot tubs?
STARK: Whiskey?!
SAITAMA: Climbing!
BANNER: We didn't drive 8 hours to the middle of nowhere for you to be sick.
GRAYSON: And I definitely didn't make chocolate pancakes for you to be sick.
BANNER: Come climbing today. We've picked the perfect location. Four star climbs as far as the eye can see. And some where the eye can't see too.
STARK: The weather looks terrible tomorrow.
SEVDA: Ok--I'm down. But we've first got to finish these pancakes.
SAITAMA: Oh. So. Good.
STARK: Indeed. Delicious. Another Dick masterpiece. 

Hulk (Bruce Banner)
Scene II: Muir Valley Parking Lot
HULK: Hulk smells fear.
ONE PUNCH MAN (OPM): I smell Iron Man's whiskey breath.
IRON MAN: I can't see anything.
ROBIN: Apologies, gentlemen. There's only so much you can do about fear farts.
MUIR VALLEY ATTENDENT (MVA): Ten dollars, folks.
IRON MAN: I've got it... wait--my suit doesn't have any pockets. Jarvis--where's my wallet?!
HULK: Hulk pants too tight. Hulk doesn't carry wallet.
OPM: I pay with my fists.
LCC: Boys, I've got this.
MVA: Do you guys also want the mini-guide?
IRON MAN: Nope. I know where we are going.
ROBIN: Iron Man, you have no clue where you are going. You don't have a guide, and you can't see.
HULK: Hulk knows.
ROBIN: Hulk just because you're big and green doesn't mean you know where you are going. And you can't see either.
OPM: Hulk bought a guide last year.
ROBIN: In that case... onwards!
LCC: Here's ten dollars.
MVA: Thank you ma'am. Have a great day!
IRON MAN: Rest assured, civilian, we will.

One Punch Man (Saitama)
Robin (Dick Grayson)
Scene III: Tectonics Wall
HULK: Hulk hot.
LCC: Hulk--it's freezing! And windy. And we're in the shade.
OPM:  I haven't been able to feel my fingers for the past forty feet.
IRON MAN: This skin tight spandex suite is no where nearly as warm as I thought it would be.
ROBIN: And it's far more revealing than I thought it would be.
OPM: Guys--focus! I'm at least two feet above my last bolt.
ROBIN: Don't worry, you've got plenty of slack.
IRON MAN: Nooooooo!
HULK: Did Iron Man just fall on a 5.10a? I can't see.
LCC: From two feet off the ground. On the first move. On lead.
IRON MAN: This is a very difficult 5.10a. Probably the hardest in the gorge. Really sandbagged. Probably closer to 5.12-.
LCC: Want some cheese with your whine, Iron Man?
HULK: Puny Iron Man whine too much.
ROBIN: Must be the spandex.
OPM: Robin! Are you with me?!
ROBIN: Always.
OPM: Ok! Take! Lower!
ROBIN: Solid first send of the day, One Punch Man. I'm glad someone on the team is pulling their weight.
OPM: Calavera Catrina, want a catch on a Tall Cool One?
LCC: Yes!
ROBIN: When do I get to climb?
LCC: When you're a big boy.
HULK: Like Hulk.
IRON MAN: Don't mind me guys. I'm only totally run out and pumped out of my mind, with metal shards slowly eating my hear.
LCC: Iron Man, stop panicking: your last bolt is at your waist!
OPM: And we can see the massive foot and hand from the ground... Plate Tectonics looks amazing.
LCC: OPM what a proud lead--this climb is amazing!
IRON MAN: Guys, I think this actually a 5.12.
ROBIN: Yessss--time for my first 5.12.
HULK: Hulk crush 5.12.
LCC: Not when he can't see. One Punch--can you take? I'm at the chains.
OPM: Wow, that was quick. Iron man's still stuck at the crux. Gotchya. Lowering!
LCC: That climb was awesome 90 feet of fun.
OPM: I know--right?! The weird section in the middle was a little less fun on lead... but it's nothing I can't handle.
IRON MAN: Take! Lower!
ROBIN: Took you long enough!
LCC: How was it?
IRON MAN: Glorious. Terrifying. Fun. Who's up next?

La Calavera Catrina (Sevda)

Iron Man (Tony Stark)
Scene IV: Sunbeam Buttress
LCC: Dare I say it? We actually found sunshine?
ROBIN: You mean Tectonic Wall wasn't the only amazing wall full of 5.10s in Muir Valley?
OPM: You mean, we choose to spend all morning freezing our fingers off?
LCC: Hulk, you've got some explaining to do.
HULK: Hulk choose good climbs. Hulk climb good climbs. Hulk no like whining.
LCC: I must admit though every single one of those climbs was great.
IRON MAN: I think I liked Plate Tectonics the most. I didn't like the avoiding-the-harder-than-5.10c-crux-by-traversing-left part of 5th Bolt Faith.
ROBIN: On 5th Bolt Faith, I especially enjoyed the surprise fifth bolt--right when you need it.
OPM: You don't need much faith when you can see the hanging draw.
LCC: I think I liked Getting Lucky In Kentucky the most. Really cool movement on amazing flakes.
HULK: Hulk like Getting Lucky.
ROBIN: I think that was my favorite too.
IRON MAN: Even the 5.9 was good.
OPM: That one might have been my favorite if I wasn't on lead. I think I also liked Getting Lucky.
LCC: But let's not forget, Hulk's picked the freezing cold Tectonic Wall today and the freezing cold Hideout wall on our first day. Hulk doesn't get to pick our climbs next time.
IRON MAN: Our first day was glorious! Even if it was freezing cold and raining.
ROBIN: For the record, there may have been no sun out that day no matter where we were.
LCC: Whose team are you on anyways, Robin?
IRON MAN: At least our bathroom rest-stop/lunch was in the sun. That was pleasant.
OPM: Too bad we had to follow it up with this absurdly long hike to nowhere.
HULK: Hulk know we are close...
IRON MAN: Civilians, be not afraid! I can save all your quickdraws.
LCC: Not if you can't see.
Friendly Neighborhood Climber (FNC): Whaaat?
ROBIN: This is how you make friends, right?
OPM: Well, not if people are already on the climb.
HULK: Hulk climb.
ROBIN: What's open?
OPM: It looks like the cliff has an upper section and a lower section--we take the metal ladder to the upper section. The upper section has got some 5.11s on the left, then, moving to the right a 5.10d, an a four star 5.9. Just to the right of the metal ladder are two or three really long 5.10s, most four stars, that start at the bottom, and go to the top of the cliff. And the lower bottom left area looks like some shorter climbs.
ROBIN: Hmm... so what's good and open?
LCC: Everything! It's all in the sun.
FNC: We're cleaning this 5.10c, want to hop on afterwards?
HULK: Hulk smash!
OPM: I think that means yes.

Miguel's Pizza
Scene V: Miguel's Pizza
ROBIN: Guys. Everything hurts.
HULK: Hulk unfamiliar with pains in fingers and body.
OPM: I don't know what you're talking about guys.
IRON MAN: One Punch Man, not all of us have a portable home-wall in a secret base in Asia.
OPM: Well, to be honest, I am hurting a little.
HULK: Final 10d destroyed Hulk. Hulk's fingers too big.
IRON MAN: Good thing Robin was near.
ROBIN: But now I'm wrecked.
LCC: Moonshine was amazing! Super fun movement, holds, and cool rests.
ROBIN: You floated up it, Catrina. It felt like a battle when I did it.
HULK: Hulk like Moonshine. Hulk also like moves on Moonshine.
OPM: Agreed. The layering of the crag was cool too.
LCC: Casually sitting on the huge belay ledge and looking down on the climbers fear-clipping the third bolt was really neat.
IRON MAN: The 10c was equally good! So man cool moves.
OPM: Agreed.
ROBIN: Amen.
HULK: Hulk also like sunshine. And Sunbeam Buttress.
LCC: Agreed. It felt sooo much warmer.
OPM: It was actually bearable belaying.
IRON MAN: Even if we did nearly hike out in the dark.
ROBIN: You know the only thing better than climbing all day?
HULK: Climb all day, sit with good crew, and eat pizza.
ROBIN: Say no more, Hulk, that is spot on.
MIGUEL'S WAITER: Pizzas for Iron Man, Robin, One Punch Man, and ... La Calavera Catrina?
ROBIN: I'm so excited. This is going to be delicious.
OPM: But before we start... Cheers to a great day!
IRON MAN: Now if only I could drink my beer through my facemask.
HULK: Hulk doesn't have Iron Man problems. Hulk drinks beer through mask.
ROBIN: ... And hulk spilled beer everywhere.
LCC: Hopefully Hulk doesn't waste pizza like he wastes beer.

After successfully finishing their final ordeal of the day, our heroes retire to their secret lair, in dark, quiet woods of Kentucky, ready to recover, but not quite ready for what the next day will bring....


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